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I have just discovered that the local Republican mail-in poll to determine who will replace Congressman Tom DeLay on the ballot is just one more reason why I could never be a Fort Bend Republican.

They mailed only one per household. You get no more than one vote per address.

If that had happened in a Democratic household, they might as well have sent business cards for divorce lawyers with it. Honey, I’d hose Bubba down and set him in a draft before I’d let him make a decision for me based on my own personal 19th Amendment to the Constitution of the United States of America. And Bubba would cut the toe divider on all my adorable little flip-flops if I even had a notion about making a votin’ decision for him.

A few years ago, we had 5 people registered to vote at my address. Two kids in college, one in the military, and two adults paying for all this foolishness. We went to our precinct convention and each of us signed-in for a different Presidential candidate. We hollered and ragged each other and I do recall that at one point Bubba called Bubba, Jr. a “pointy headed pseudo-liberal,” and if my memory serves me well, I got called a “bleeding heart raging moderate” in overly sarcastic tones. I think I may have swatted one of those college kids with one of my adorable little flip-flops when he made snorting noises during my seconding speech for my candidate. I am certain that I mentioned 12 hours of hard labor with no anesthetic on several occasions, but it got me diddle squat in the “Oh yeah, let’s vote like Momma” department.

If you think the American Civil War was the watermark of brother-against-brother, you weren’t there that night. One brother even brought up an unfortunate paste-eating incident at least 15 years prior. It got ugly.

We went out to dinner afterwards where four of us ate crow and one of us paid for it. In Democratic households, these are called “precious family memories.”

Now, I don’t know how things are decided in the Ozzie and Harriet world of Republican households, but I suspect it probably involves getting to the mailbox first.

However, I am reminded of a tape I have of Republican State Representative and Wanna-be Congressman Charlie Howard giving a speech to a Republican women’s club where he says, “We men are supposed to take the leadership position in our country. We men are supposed to take the leadership role in our families. I mean no disrespect to any woman here.”

I mean no disrespect either, but I suggest that any votes that come in for Charlie Howard be counted as only ½ vote because somebody — and I’m not saying who — probably didn’t get her opinion listened to in Howard-supporting households. Maybe there could be a Howard-Missouri-Compromise where women could at least count as 3/5th of a person.

Maybe 3/5th is overkill, however, since only one of the twelve semi-serious Republican Congressional replacement candidates mentioned is of the hooter-toting gender. Maybe counting at 1/12th could be the Sekula-Gibbs Corollary.

I used to vote for some local Republicans but that ain’t happening anymore because I’m real scared that I’ll get one of these one-per-household polls. Heck, at this address we can’t agree on which way the toilet paper should roll, when’s the proper time to put up Christmas lights, or whether the tv remote control is a toy or a weapon of mass destruction. And if one of the kids comes to visit, he puts the new toilet paper standing upright on top of the empty roll because he’s got opinions about things, too, dammit.

I’m going to make one of my Madam Swami Susan predictions here. Of the dozen candidates on the Republican mail-in poll, all but the first place winner will contend it’s flawed, UnAmerican, and has a liberal bias.

Democrats, on the other hand, will use the one Republican vote per household as a recruiting tool for years to come.

They mailed only one per household. You get no more than one vote per address.

If that had happened in a Democratic household, they might as well have sent business cards for divorce lawyers with it.

Susan DuQuesney Bankston
Richmond